


Losers and Learners: A Guide of undoing years’ worth of prejudice.

by withlove03



Category: Harry - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Child Abuse, Confusion, Did that happen? oh well., Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Fluffyfest, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Harry Potter References, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, Slow Romance, To the Past, Violence, WhatAmIDoing?, Y/Nstop, clueless, non-canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23769670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withlove03/pseuds/withlove03
Summary: Y/N Cinnera is a Pureblood with a complex life; a strong connection to James and her growing crush on a boy. Watch as this girl learns to rebel against her abusive parents and grow utterly confusing relationships that acquaintances don't get. Explore the past that was never mentioned to the golden trio and find the clues as to where she could be.*Quick claim! I do not own Harry Potter.*
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Reader, Peter Pettigrew/Reader, Regulus Black/Reader, Remus Lupin/Reader, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 60





	1. The beginning.

It all began with a little shove in his direction. From a young age, you were raised to be the perfect daughter; eager to please, eager to serve. It was scarred into the deepest depths of your body. Being born to uphold the traditions of a Pureblood witch and descended from a long heritage of noble aristocratic witches and wizards, you tend to forget that you were your being.

At the age of five, you relocated back to London after six whole generations of Cinnera bloodline living in France, reasons that were still unknown to you. Since your whole family belonged in England, it wasn't much of a huge change in life. Though you wanted to stay with your Uncle Ben, you knew that would be near impossible because; one) he supported Muggle-borns and two) the last thing your parents wanted was for you to become ’corrupted’ more than you were when he visited.

So, when you had moved you were thrown headfirst in meeting with many other pureblood families; Malfoy, Lestrange, Longbottom, Potter, and Black. To say the least, there were more pureblood families, but for some reason, you had spent much of your time with these people – well most with the Potter residence by yourself since your parents didn’t like their morals.

You didn't remember how or why the Potters were adamant on keeping you with them for as long as they could. But whenever you thought about it too much your left eye would hurt, as if it was being stabbed. Another thing you found odd when you were at the Potters, was their persistent behaviour to keep you away from sharp objects. It was not like they didn't trust you, they would say, it's just there shouldn't be a second incident. Being as young as you were, you didn't understand why there would be a second incident if you couldn't remember the first one. James was their way of distracting you; he too was quite the dramatic, over-bearing kid like yourself at times. When both of you met, it was as if fire met ice; the room filled with a dangerous intensity when the boundaries were being crossed. It was a quaffle that brought a common agreement that you both could get along; and so, both of you became close friends over the next three hours.

When you were there, you and James waltzed around the entire Potter residence; most of these visits originating from the idea that a “taste of a none toxic and abusive environment” - as the Potters would say - would be beneficial to you. You didn’t understand what they meant, sure a bruise would appear here and there, and a backhand to the face was common to you. But it didn’t mean that you in a toxic environment… didn’t it? You didn’t take notice of it though. You and James spent the time playing games of all sorts at the Potter residence, but once you left you were expected to behave everywhere else.

And by everywhere else, you meant the Malfoy and Black households.

Though most would say that the Black residence would be the worst place to visit, you disagreed. You loathed the Malfoy residence; it was too flamboyant, and it was not as dull as your home. However, you only enjoyed the Black residence because of the boy who resided there, Sirius Black. His black hair maintained to the finest detail, the finest clothes he wore, and his unusual grey eyes; though his personality was contradictory to how he looked, he was a true rebellious boy - well when his mother and father weren’t looking. When you weren’t kept at the Potter’s home, you spent much of your time with the Malfoy and Black family, finding it tedious.

* * *

One day you got yourself lost in the Muggle world. It wasn’t for too long but being an eight-year-old and never stepping foot into the world your family sneered upon, you were hopelessly lost. Instead of sitting around and waiting for help, you decided to explore the world the existed outside your own. It was when you ran into a girl quite literally did you finally have actual contact with a muggle.

The girl looked to be around your age; her hair fiery red and the greenest of green eyes you had ever seen. She seemed to have something as whimsical as you when you inspected the girl, a sort of magic inside of her. _Perhaps she was a witch? No, no._ she’d be what you would call a Mudblood, _‘filthy’_ as the others would call her.

 _But what about you? Is she filthy to you?_ You watch her as she began to speak,

“I’m sorry! Are you okay?” her voice smooth as honey.

 _Her voice wasn’t filthy_ , you thought. 

_She doesn’t seem to be filthy physically either, she looked clean and she appears to be well presented. There wasn’t anything filthy about her, maybe it was her blood that was filthy?_

You thought long and hard about whether you should respond to her. She seemed to have great patience since she stood waiting for your response.

“I’m fine,” you respond, freezing when you hear your stomach begin to rumble.

“Are you hungry?” You don’t respond, bowing your head and kicking the air in frustration. When you look up again, she gives a smile as she grabs your hand.

“It’s okay you don’t have to answer, besides my mother is making lunch right now.” She began to lead you down the road to a cosy looking house.

“I’m Lily by the way.” She says quickly.

“Y/N” you respond quietly.

* * *

You stayed there until someone came for you, luckily it was someone you knew wouldn’t punish you for staying with a Muggle family. As you walked to the portkey that would take you back, something nagged at your mind.

_Why were Muggle-born witches and wizards filthy?_

The Evans family were delightful people and you enjoyed your time there.

Looking at the Auror beside you; you decided to ask.

“What is wrong with Muggle-borns?”

“Whatever do you mean?”

“Most Purebloods for some reason hate them, look down on them. Why?”

“Look,” he began; kneeling down and taking your shoulders.

“The world around you is not the nicest at times. You must understand that the reason why most Purebloods hate Muggle-borns is that they do not like the idea of mixing generations of magic with those who are new to magic.”

“Is that why? That makes no sense because wouldn’t the bloodline start off with Muggle=borns then?”

The Auror shakes his head, standing up and began walking again.

“Well?”

“Who knows.” He answers; giving you a half-half answer.

The rest of the walk to your home was in silence as you pondered over the twisted ideology. There was, however, a silent agreement that nothing should be said on where you were staying. That night when you returned home, you received three punishments; each more severe than the last.


	2. A kiss with a fist is better than none.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In 1970 Y/n learns that darts is played a completely different way also finding that fun can be found in the worst of moments until it changes.  
> Moving through to 1971 a few weeks before her first year at Hogwarts.

Some would say that muggle darts was fun. But the way that the Purebloods at home played it, made you believe now that they may have been doing it wrong this whole time.

As you listened to Lily explain and allowed her to show you how to play; you found that there was a red bullseye on board and darts included. Perhaps you could tell the others this because it seemed less dangerous than how you were taught.

When Lily asked how my family played it, she was shocked telling me that the way they had been playing it is entirely wrong.

“You don’t stand there while they throw knives as close as they can to you!” she yelled once again.

“Why do you stay? They seem so horrible.”

You didn't know how to respond, how could you explain to her that you didn't know how to leave and you sat there. You could see the tears that were forming in her green eyes now, to say she was upset was an understatement as she pulled you into a hug. Hugs were weird to you especially when it wasn’t coming from James. James had been there along with his parents when you were younger but now that you had two places to go when you needed time out, you found yourself enthralled with the Evans family.

* * *

Much to your dislike whenever you returned home you were immediately sent to the Black household. There you found that you much rather the punishment that you received from your own family than from Walburga Black. The only good that you found was that Sirius seemed to become more rebellious and seemed to always take the beating he got as a joke. Though you found it quite the act of entertainment, you were always next for the beating and received it harder due to her frustration with Sirius. You did not hate him for it though, he always made it up to you and at most times you somehow always looked forward to the next beating.

You spent a lot of time in this routine, for at two whole years now. You were now almost ten and you were sure that if this carried on longer you wouldn't feel the beatings.

Until one day something in his demeanour changed so suddenly during a beating. His once-prominent cheeky smile disappearing after she said something in his ear.

He never said what it was after. From that day he looked at you in such a way that made you begin to hate the beatings and his mother for upsetting him. Eventually, to see if you could change the outcome of the mood; you began to volunteer for the first beating and found yourself trying to make him laugh. This method seemed to not work and soon after you stopped going to the Black residence by yourself.

Finding yourself going between Lily’s and James’ house became more difficult. While they spent their time making new friends and playing, you were being pushed into the world of wifely duties and expectations. Lily would protest that you were only ten, that you needed more time to be a kid and not worry about blossoming into womanhood. She was right, you were only ten. But you found that the more you questioned your parents, the more they restricted your free time and so you stopped.

James at this time became more or less infatuated with getting his Hogwarts letter and prove himself to be a true Gryffindor. Whereas you were thrown into learning more about your ancestry, finding that you were related to the big four. Your father was adamant that you would be a Slytherin; your mother confident of this as well. You? You wanted to be a Hufflepuff.

* * *

The collection of your first-year supplies were tedious, each thing fretted over. The only thing that kept you off the edge was that your Uncle Benjamin, who had finally moved back to London and joined the family. Much to your parents’ dismay, he turned up to be married to a nice Muggleborn woman.

You liked her, she was fierce and at times a bit of a clumsy person; she seemed to have a personality that you wanted. Her hair was dark, falling down to her shoulder blades in loose waves; her eyes reminded you of James’. Compared to your mother, she was not as tall but wore stilettos. Her clothes were vibrant as well. Her accent wasn't very pronounced in her voice, like your mother's and she seemed to be more relaxed than her. When you walked out from Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions, your parents had become fed up with your Aunt and left. ****

“That sure got rid of ‘em, didn’t it?” he let out a chuckle.

Even though there was no reason for the situation to appear dire, your Aunt-in-law appeared frazzled. You looked at the frown that etched its way on her face. The three turn into a gap between two shops in Diagon Ally, abruptly stopping.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have come. We both know that they are supporters of you-know-who.”

“You-know-who? Who?” you ask.

“Oh, dear! I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything!”

“No! I want to know!”

“Look kid,” Your Uncle starts.

“There’s a bad man out in the world at the moment. He doesn’t like people like Felicity.”

You look towards your Aunt who has a fearful look in her eyes as she begins to look around.

You look around also, you realise something that you seemed to have brushed off before. Those who are clearly not purebloods are getting dirty looks, especially those who are clearly Muggleborn.

“Why? Who is he? What is wrong with people like Aunt Felicity?”

“Haven’t Eclipsa and Niklaus said something to you about this?"

You shake your head and Benjamin looks at Felicity before making direct eye contact with you, he finally speaks; though his tone too serious to ignore or let it fly out the other ear.

“You have a choice in whether you will fight with him or with us. Remember that the world is not always split down the middle, but sometimes you can clearly see that a line is drawn. You must understand that being trained to be a mindless Pureblood witch will only lead you into being in their ranks and eradicate those who defy the man your parents have sided with. I do not want to see you get hurt on either field, but you need to understand that there is a war in the wind, and you will be forced to choose. Make sure you choose right with whatever you feel is what you want to fight for and know that you may be pitted against the people you love no matter the side you take.”

His words seem to seep in your skin like acid, feeling the words may leave a scar in understanding what he just said. First, there is a war being brewed between Muggleborns and Purebloods, and second, you will be fighting friends and family on either side _._

“What side are you on?” you ask quickly, as he grabs out your list and reads what is still needed.

“I’m on the side that is fighting for Muggleborns.”

You begin to open my mouth, but you are quickly interrupted when he begins to speak again.

“But enough on that dark subject. All you need is a companion, let’s go!” he says cheerfully.

As you make your way there, your mind swarms with logic and feelings.

_What about Lily? What side is James on? What happens if I do join my parents? What’s this guy’s name? Would I know this man?_

But you are pulled from the space of your mind with a question.

“What animal would you like?”

You look at all the options; _a toad? No, definitely not for me. A rat? No, something inside me tells me not to go for this creature._ You stop to look at the cats and owls; at first glance, you thought owls were a more practical option. But then you saw the most peculiar thing; a kitten and an owl, seemingly attached to the hip as if best friends. On further inspection of this uncommon duo, you realise that the kitten is an Egyptian Mau – its grey and white features are styled with interesting designs of black. The owl is a simple snow-white colour with crescent-like shapes on both of its wings.

You feel at awe at how they sleep beside each other. After what seemed like an eternity, you are startled by the voice coming from behind you.

“I see the unusual duo has caught your eye.”

You turn around to see a middle-aged woman, perhaps older than your Uncle who stood side by side with Felicity, is smirking at your clear adoration of the two creatures.

“I hate to inform you but as clear as it is you find them endearing, they have the idea that they are choosing who takes them.” The woman smiles sadly.

“Well, I only want the owl.”

“I’m sorry but they are tied at the hip, they’re inseparable.”

“Oh, okay,” you say sadly.

You look beyond the pair, finding another owl behind them and begin to make your way to it. The owl there was a brown colour and though it’s not the endearing duo you were fascinated by, it was the next best thing.

Before you could pass the sleeping duo you feel a soft tug on your dress’s sleeve, you look down to find the kitten had moved and now attached to your sleeve. The owl now making its way to you. The woman laughs along with your Aunt and Uncle, you swivel your head toward the store owner.

“Well if I’m not mistaken, they have chosen you.” The amused tone clear in her voice.

“How much?” my Uncle asks.

“Well I’ll make a deal, usually for an owl its six to eight Galleons and a cat is eight to ten Galleons depending on the breed. So, I’ll do Twelve Galleons.”

“Seems like a deal too good to say no to.”

* * *

Once you walked out of the store you were quick to leave Diagon Ally with your prizes, you quite excited to learn that they were both females. The owl you had named Dusk (mainly because of the interesting black crescents on the side of her wings) and the kitten you called Dawn. Once you got home the three of you were quick to find that your parents had not returned home yet.

And so, you had made your way to where your Aunt and Uncle lived.

While you spent time at their home you had learned that they had met in a fiasco of a party where they had mutual friends. When they met, they were being set up with each other, however, the party went south when a fight broke out at the Muggle bar and ended up being locked up for the night. You came to find that she was a fashion designer and was offered a boutique when she moved to London with Benjamin. You were quick to learn that like your Uncle, Felicity attended Beauxbatons Academy of Magic also.

The day eventually progressed to the night and they were yet to receive any type of communication on whether they were back or not.

In your wait, you had fallen asleep.


	3. Changes happen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one kinda gets dark! Warning to those who are easily triggered! But luckily it doesn't get too graphic. Kinda a fluffy end not very fluffy though.

When you had awoken, it was not softly. You were jolted awake by a rapid pounding on the door, followed by shouting. You began to remove yourself from the couch in the living room and followed the sound of the voices.

“How dare you try to correct us you filthy Mudblood!”

“Then am I wrong to say you weren’t home.”

“Felicity it’s not worth it.”

“You have no right to have our daughter near this… this…”

“This what Eclipsa? Say it, I dare you.”

“That pathetic excuse of space that you let leech off of you! She is below the standards of the Cinnera bloodline!”

“How dare you!? Pathetic? If anything, I am more of a perfect excuse of space unlike you!”

Maybe it was the silence that you heard after what seemed to be the sound of a hand meeting with a face, but at that moment you knew that someone’s fate has been sent towards Death’s direction.

Never had you heard Benjamin raise his voice, but it was something you wouldn’t hope to have directed towards yourself. You were frozen to the spot in the hallway, you could feel that the tension from the entry had started because you were here and not at home. Maybe it was the sound of footsteps or perhaps it was the fact that the voices had still been continuing but getting progressively louder now; but you pivot your body and begin to run the opposite direction, to an empty room.

“Where is she?”

“Like hell, I’m letting a monster like you take her!”

“She is MY daughter and as her mother, I am entitled to take her back! Besides like I’m going to leave her with a blood-traitor and Mudblood like you two.” You hear your mother sneer.

You find yourself in a closet as you see the four figures enter the room. You hold your breath, praying to Merlin that they do not find you. But unlucky for you she made her way to the closet you hid in, you feel the cold sweat begin to form on your forehead and step back, preparing for her grasp once when sees you. However, once the closet opens her grasp never comes. Your once closed eyes now looking at the figures, each sharing a puzzled look.

“Where is she?” your mother screeched

“She was here! She must have run when she heard the shouting.” Benjamin replied.

“She wouldn’t have gone far.” Your father says.

With that, your parents exit the room to begin their search in the streets, unknown that you were right in front of them and utterly confused as well. It was when you looked down that you realised that you were invisible. The question though was how? You began to walk out of the closet and follow them to the front door, hoping that whatever has made you invisible does not wear out so they can see you. In their haste, you struggled to keep up and when they abruptly stop, you run into Uncle Ben. Quick to have enough space between them you step back, seeing that he is now looking around for whatever bumped into him. You watch as your parents leave, and Ben look around more freely.

“Uncle Ben! It’s me! I’ve gone invisible.” You finally say.

Ben and his wife look in the direction to where you would be standing, looking utterly surprised by the new discovery. He begins to walk to where your voice was coming from, his hands out in front of him to feel where you were standing. You decide to help by grabbing his hand that is larger than your own – now that you compare it – and show you where you would be standing in front of him. He waves his hand directly in across your face, seeing that part of your face showed.

“Wow!” he exclaims.

“Some kind of fight or flight mechanism! How long have you been doing that for?”

“I don’t know how I did it! Please how do I make it stop?” you ask tears gathering in your eyes.

He grabs his chin like he does when he’s in deep thought, he gives a few huffs as he starts to pace. He gestures for us to follow him into the living room, telling you to sit.

“So, you’ve never done it before?” he asks.

You shake your head, sitting on the couch as you pout and cross your arms. He doesn't see your actions so you give a quiet 'no'. He stops in front of where you are sitting, unexpectedly, he claps loudly in your face. He gives a quick chuckle as you frown.

“It didn’t work”

“Are you sure? Look.” He gestures to the mirror.

You give a glance to the mirror, seeing that it did indeed work. You beam brightly, jumping off from the place you sat and give him a hug. You turn around looking towards Felicity, noticing that in this light a clear red mark is present on her cheek. You suddenly feel guilty for causing such havoc in their household.

“I’m sorry, if you want, I will go now and go home.”

“No, if you want to stay then you can stay.” She says after a pause of silence.

Your eyes once again fill with salty tears, making your way to the other side of the room and giving her a tight hug. She is quick to return it, smoothing your hair as you begin to sob. The rest of the night was spent laying down rules and expectations; except this time they were rules that you liked also.


	4. The morning to leave for Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, focusing on a future turning point but no spoilers. References, I don't own the song (but this chapter was sorta inspired by the song), pretty fluffy and a little comedic in my sense.

The last few weeks before school was spent ensuring that clothes, toys, a bed and all the necessities of living with your Aunt and Uncle were supplied. It wasn’t something your parents liked and something that was taken to a hearing at the Ministry of Magic. Luckily Ben and Felicity won, leaving your parents very bitter and possibly vengeful.

But the morning of leaving for Hogwarts, you awoke in your room and couldn’t help but wonder where you would be placed or what side you were going to fight on when the war came. You turned to look at the clock that was perched on your dresser, _six-thirty in the morning,_ too early to walk around without causing one of them concern. So, you move to sit up in your bed and grab the notebook that sat on the dresser as well.

When you moved in, you had to agree to therapy. It was their way of ensuring that if you needed extra care that they’ll know what to do, which was apparently a lot. They, in a way, became very careful with how quick they moved – hand wise – and how loud their voice was. They were quick to find things to do that could help ‘express’ yourself. This came in the form of music, point and poetry. Within a short amount of time, you found that your gifts extended to quick learning in anything you did and your suppressed gifts due to ‘trauma’ became more prevalent.

You at first hated the journal, finding it nearly stupid to write about how you felt. But you knew that if you didn’t try, you may never know if it could help and so you began to write:

_Dear stupid thing of Muggle suggestion,_

_I personally hate the idea of writing in this thing. What if you magically turn out to be evil and talk back to me, or worse take control over my body to make me do unspeakable things. Ha-ha, unlikely, I guess. I’m going, to be honest; I miss hanging out with James and Lily. I guess maybe Sirius too. I haven’t seen them since I left my parents to care, I really want to know what they have been doing. I guess I’ll see them at school though. Anyway, um I guess that’s all really. I guess I like being here._

You cringe at knowing that you’re supposed to let the therapist read it, if it’s that bad or revealing of the magical world then Uncle Ben will edit it. When you finally look back up to the clock it reads out 7:00 a.m. then as if on time you hear a soft knock at the door.

“Come in!” you call, closing the journal.

The dark-haired woman steps in with a tray of food, a smile gracing her lips. The radio suddenly flicking onto Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly, she does a bit of a dance as she makes her way to your bed and placing the tray down.

“Morning bub!” she chirps happily.

She gives a gentle kiss to your temple, before continuing to do a silly little dance.

“Did you sleep well? How long have you been up?”

“Not long, I promise.”

You give her a smile as she begins to head to the door. Turning around to look at you again.

‘We leave at eight, do you want more money?”

You give your head a little shake and with that, she turns around letting the song continue in the background of your room.


	5. One hell of a ride.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are faced with four problems the day you are off to Hogwarts:  
> 1)Your parents are here to see you off and remind you that you are going to be sorted into Slytherin  
> 2)Now that Lily has met James and Sirius, and you have met Severus... you both dislike each other's friends  
> 3)A rivalry between Snape and James begins  
> and 4) Sirius is not helping.

You imagine when you would end up at platform 9 and 3/4, you thought it would be very smooth, however, fate had a very different plan.

When you turned up at platform 9 and 3/4, you found that your parents were there as well, they had come to see you off and thought that you needed to be reminded that you were going to be in Slytherin. As you listened to the argument in the background you looked around for your friends James and Sirius. When you finally did listen to the conversation, you found it was about you being sorted into Slytherin.

“What do you mean you thought she was going to be put into Slytherin, so you sent her bags to the Slytherin dormitories.”

“Exactly that, her bags will be sent to the Slytherin dormitory where she will reside as a Slytherin.”

“You obviously don't know your daughter for she wants to be a Hufflepuff “

“If she wants to be a Hufflepuff then she is obviously looking for a beating”

“How dare you threaten her. If she wants to be a Hufflepuff then she can be a Hufflepuff. There is nothing wrong with that.”

Becoming tired of the conversation you looked around and found Regulus; he stood not far from you, appearing to be waiting for his mother and father to return. Instead of staying and listening to the conversation, you made your way there skipping happily. Once you made your way by his side, you look down to your skirt and play with it. You look back up with him fluttering your eyes and say:

“What ya doing?”

He looks up to you, you realise he has a slight blush on his face as he looks into your eyes. He was not that much younger than you and you tended to talk to him whenever Sirius was too busy doing work. After the initial surprise of your presence was over, he looked back to where he was looking then back to you.

“Nothing really, I'm just waiting for my parents to come back, they were busy making sure Sirius' luggage was on.”

“Any idea where Sirius and James are?” you ask.

You watch as he looks to the far right of the platform, you can see that James and Sirius are there and with a quick kiss to the cheek, you thank Regulus and make your way there.

You aren't much of a really good spy, nor were you very silent when you were making your way to people, but you were very good at hunting – not in the real sense anyway. And so you crouch slightly as you make your way there. James wasn't very busy at watching his surroundings and so he didn't see you as you made your way there, but Sirius did. However, instead of alerting James, he pretended that he didn't see you and continued talking to him.

By the time you got there, and you were close enough, you release a war cry as you bounded towards James. Being an only child, James became overconfident sometimes and always believed he was stronger, though was always weak when you went in for a tickle attack. With all your might you reach for his rib cage and tickle him. Since he was not expecting you so early, he was kind of shocked and fell to the floor as you tickle them. In fits of laughter he began to say:

“Oh no! The almighty Y/N has caught me! Save yourself, Sirius, it's too late for me!”

Sirius laughed along too, he quite enjoyed when you would tickle James, especially when you would never go for him. Eventually, you let James back up, however, even though it was all in great fun; there were questions that they would have wanted to be answered and as if on cue they began to question you;

“Where have you been?”

“We thought you were murdered!”

“Why haven't you written to us?”

In a quick response, you said that you were staying with your Uncle Benjamin and didn't have much time when you were figuring out the quirks of your new living arrangement.

That was apparently enough for them as they don't ask anything else and give your answer a swift nod.

"Anyway, what have you guys been up too?"

* * *

As you guys made your way back to your Uncle and Aunt. You could see that they were still holding your cat, Dawn, who lazily laid in Felicity’s arm, Dawn was your favourite out of the two, as Dusk always wanted to play around and perch in your hair.

Once you had collected your cat, Dawn, the train began to whistle signalling that you, James and Sirius should make your way to the train. You were excited for them to meet your friend Lily and she really wanted to know who Lily’s new friend was. She said over mail that he was quite the peculiar one and that he was there when Petunia was making fun of her again. Going up and down the corridors of the train, you began to search for Lily and her friend – believing that she would be with him. However, as the search went on; you came to realise that she was harder to find than you expected.

The money that you were given – although you didn't ask for more – was becoming unbearably heavy and the boys were getting restless, you finally agreed to let them choose a cabin. Fortunately, Lily was there along with her friend, who at first glance you did not like. He had dark, black eyes – but not very warm – and his black hair was greasy, he also had an abnormally large nose. But overall, he had a sort of aura that made you feel uncomfortable; as though something was telling you that he was not going to be the best of people. But you ‘bite the bullet’ as they would say and decide to sit down on the opposite side between James and Sirius. You hoped that his personality was a lot better than how he looked because in all honesty: James and Sirius looked more handsome than him, not to be mean.

After a long silence, you decide to start speaking.

“James and Sirius meet the next brightest witch of our age, the future badass. Lily Evans. Lily this is James and Sirius, I know they seem a little bit refined but they're pretty fun when you get to know them.”

Lily does a little bow while she is sat, you decide that was time to introduce yourself to Lily’s friend.

“Hi, I'm y/n.”

You stick your hand out since it's a traditional Muggle way of greeting people, he looks at your hand. At first, you think that maybe he wasn't a Muggle-born. Until he stretches his hand out and shakes yours.

“Severus Snape.”

For the first few minutes, everything was okay, and no one was fighting… yet. That is until they began to talk about what house people wanted to be sorted in was brought up.

Snape went first.

“I could never find anymore privilege than being in Slytherin.”

You wish you could stop James and Sirius from laughing, but the laughs are a little bit too contagious and you begin to giggle. This may have been the worst option because Lily begins to frown. Quickly you shush both boys. Snape doesn't look so happy either, as he begins to ask what their preferred house would be.

James goes first being a little bit too cocky.

“Why Gryffindor of course! Where the brave at heart dwells.”

“I'm going to be the first Noble son of Black to ignore traditions and be sorted into Gryffindor.”

James turns to Lily and asks what house she wants to be in.

“Well,” she begins.

“I’m not all that sure. I don't mind what house I go in to.”

“Well, I guess that's better than Snape’s over here.” Quips Sirius. 

The boy beside Lily doesn't look all that happy now, but everyone turns to look at you, expecting your answer. You feel a little bit silly because if you are being all that honest you don't want to be in Slytherin – because that's what your parents want – and that Hufflepuff sounds really nice to be in. But for some reason, you feel like you won't get that either. You need to respond anyway

“Well, my parents really want me to be in Slytherin. But if you are asking me what I want to be in I want to be a Hufflepuff.”

Lily and Snape seem satiated with your answer; giving you a quick nod as approval. However, James and Sirius seem to be coming up with fun ideas of teasing, obviously, it's just friendly teasing that they usually do.

“Well, why don't you look at that Sirius! We're going to have a Hufflebuddy!” James exclaims

“Well, will you be sneaking down to the kitchens in the middle of the night for late-night snacks for us?”

"Hey! If you get sorted into Hufflepuff and not Slytherin we can celebrate!"

You don't think Lily likes the teasing all that much, although, it's only for fun and you don't mind it that much; you believe it's really funny. James and Sirius continue:

“I know you should be a Gryffindor though! But I can't refuse to see you in a yellow tie and twin pigtails. It would be too cute!” Sirius remarks.

James and Sirius laugh again and as Snape didn't like it, he stood up mumbling that he was going to find a new cabin to sit in. Lily was next to stand up and you were quick to stand up as well and follow her out. Once you get far enough from that cabin you begin to speak

“Woah Woah Woah Woah Woah! Woah! I know it seems like they were teasing but they were only having fun. Besides they're only young and the boys... you know how boys act.”

Lily sighs before turning to you.

“I know their boys and all that. But it seems like they were really picking on you this time. Look, I am not going to judge you on your judgment on them but I personally don't like them. I think they are a little bit too stuck up. How did you meet them anyway?”

“Well, I grew up with them technically."

“So, they’re Purebloods?”

“Yeah, look, like I said; they are a little bit refined and they were raised like that. You can't get up them for having a little bit of fun. Just because they don't like Slytherin doesn't mean that they are very terrible people. In fact, quite a lot of terrible people are sorted into Slytherin that's why I'm kind of scared.”

“Well I'm sure if you get sorted into Slytherin, you won't be a bad guy. but I'm gonna go with Snape, I'm gonna make sure he's alright. I'll see you when we get to the castle or maybe even later.”

“Does this mean we're still friends?” you ask.

“Of course! It doesn't mean anything that I don't want to sit with you right now. Besides, it gives you time to hang out with other people. Think of it as the best of both worlds.”

You smile at that, knowing that she's probably right like always; you bet she's going to be a Ravenclaw. She seems to cut out for that house. You watch as Lily walks away and you decide to go back into the cabin. When you're there the boys have a few more jokes to say and so you let it carry on for a little bit longer.

“Hey, Hufflebabe!” Sirius shouts.

“Well, let's not start calling me a Hufflebabe yet, I'm yet to be sorted.”

"Will we still be friends if I do get sorted into Slytherin?" you ask.

"Of course! If you do, it will be a rescue a princess from the dungeons scenario." James replies.

"That or you can sneak into Gryffindor Tower," Sirius adds.

And with that, the three of you had a banter in the compartment.

* * *

After a while and eating quite a lot of snacks like pumpkin pasties, chocolate frogs and Bertie Botts every flavour beans; the three of you were interrupted by two boys walking in. 

The plump boy with mousy brown hair and blue eyes you immediately recognised as Peter Pettigrew, however, the other boy was another story. This boy had Brown hair, amber/greenish eyes and scars; some scars were new, some old. But it wasn't the scars on his face that made you wary; it was the scent.

Most memories of your childhood, in a way, were kept in a vault and only mostly positive things were what you remembered. But things that were considered too traumatising were locked into a ‘psychological vault’ as the therapist would say. But one of the things that sent a trigger for anything were certain phrases and scents. Specifically, this scent reminded you of a certain tormentor, Fenrir Greyback. This boy smelt like a werewolf and you thought that maybe Dumbledore had a few screws loose in allowing him to come.

But you knew not to judge a book by its cover. To think that he is going to this year’s major reason for a problem and be entirely wrong about it. The boy began to speak:

“I’m sorry to interrupt but our last cabin was getting too crowded. Can we sit here?”

James beams; “Of course!”

They sit down on the opposite side of the compartment, the scarred boy notices that you are gazing directly at him and he avoids meeting it. Sirius picks up on this and decides to stir the pot.

“Oh no dear Hufflebuddy! That’s not how you should act around your new friends!”

You look away and stare out the window.

“So, what’s the name?” James quizzes.

“Remus, Remus lupin.”

You could not help but to laugh, _how ironic_. You take a glance to the boys, who are all staring at you now.

“Oh! It’s the name, Wolf Wolf. It would be ironic if your Patronus too was a wolf.”

The boys brush it off as they get comfortable again.

“So, what house do you guys want to be in?”


	6. Hogwarts? Hogwarts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you finally arrive at Hogwarts, you know that this was it; the last time you would question where you belonged. Though you are shocked at the choice the sorting hat has made.  
> Sorry it's a short chapter! But I promise that this makes it more dramatic.

While you spent getting to know the two other boys, you found that you and Remus shared one thing in common: chocolate was the best thing to exist. Though he was a werewolf you had found him endearing and utterly infatuated with a boy who you now deemed the 'cinnamon roll' of the forming group. Peter you had determined to be a bit of a wimp; he wasn't as ballsy like James or Sirius, nor did he have the quick comebacks like Remus.

When you arrived at Hogwarts, you and the four boys have whisked away to the boats behind the man called Hagrid. Hagrid was a very large man, if you were to guess, he was half-giant. His shaggy, black beard and black eyes - that was warmer than Severus' - was not as intimidating as thought when his loud voice boomed around, giving orders. James and Sirius becoming rowdier as all of you stepped into the boat.

"Hey Y/N! If you fall in the lake I'll rescue you!" Sirius announces.

The laughter was contagious, everyone who was on the boat laughing along. The mood was light but you were not exactly there; you were in 1964 at a lake in France.

_**It's cold. So cold that you don't want to move.** _

_**You are sinking.** _

_**Sinking.** _

_**Sinking.** _

_**You Can't Breathe. Why can't you breathe?** _

**_Bubbles rise to the surface._ **

**_Oh, you are in the lake? What did you do this time?_ **

**_You hear a splash, looking up you see him. It's your brother, green eyes and all._ **

**_He's reaching, so you reach as well._ **

**_Almost there._ **

"Hey Y/N! Earth to Y/N!" James says, waving his hand in front of your face.

You are quick to shake your head, removing your memory that escaped the vault and paying attention.

"Yeah? what?"

"Nothing, you just looked like you were having eternal dread fill your body."

You don't answer James as you look up towards the magnificent castle before you. In quick need to change the subject and remove the attention that was pressed onto you, you exclaim:

"Hey look! Isn't it a sight to see?" you point to the castle.

Luckily it works as they all look towards the castle and stare in awe. As they did you started to think.

_I had a brother? Where is he now? Why was I in that lake?_

Deciding it was not the time to dwell, you look towards the castle you were approaching and prepared yourself for the sorting.

* * *

When you walk Into the Great hall, you'll be honest, you were expecting some really weird ways to be sorted into your house. But alas, it was a hat that chose.

H _ow does it do that?_ You wonder. 

You thought it was a silly prank they did on first years until that is when the hat started to move and call out names of houses. You were now nervous; James, Sirius, Peter, Lily and Remus were sorted into Gryffindor, you were yet to be called to take the stool and be sorted. When you were finally called, you could feel the stares of the Purebloods who resided at the Slytherin table. Once you had sat, the hat was placed on your head.

_Ah, Cinnera blood, it's been too long. I see immense talent, oh, and a ginger eye to the world despite the trauma. Such a shame your brother wasn't here before you, terribly sorry for the loss. I see the bloodline hasn't been tainted yet. Good, Good. That would be needed to be liked by the house of Slytherin. But, I don't think they deserve you there; you are simply too bright to be in a group of shadows. I see you have the potential to become a sophisticated leader if you were given the chance. Very, Very smart; perfect for Ravenclaw. Generous as well; perfect for Hufflepuff. Hmm, where to put a perfect candidate of unity... well I see you have supportive friends in Gryffindor. You'll need that to thrive, but Merlin forbids me to do that for the only reason._

"Gryffindor!" the hat bellows.


	7. Walk the line.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you are sorted into Gryffindor you know that any peace with you parents in future is out the window. When you are sent to collect Dawn from the Slytherin common room; luckily you bring company with you.

_Gryffindor!_

It seems to seep into your skin and at first, you think you have misheard. But hearing James and Sirius cheering and waving to you; you knew you aren't mistaken. You are quick to stand, avoiding the stares of Lucius and Narcissa from the Slytherin table as you make your way beside the boys at Gryffindor table. You feel tense, knowing you were on rocky terrain and Lucius' father would hear about this; meaning your parents would as well. If you are lucky, you won't receive a howler about how much you are a disappointment and prepare for a hell of a punishment. But deep down you knew that you were safe; Uncle Ben and Aunt Felicity would protect you for now. _But how long for?_

Before you can over analyse your safety, the Headmaster, Dumbledore stands before the cluster of students and teachers for the beginning of year speech.

"Good evening students,"

"May I welcome you all back and welcome to the newest editions to Hogwarts; first years make yourself at home for this will be your second home 'till you graduate. This year is no different; keep working to reach your dreams and continue to pave the perfect example for our young and impressionable first years. May I remind students that the Forbidden Forest is still forbidden to students; I suggest you all heed this warning, there is no good that comes from looking for danger. I should also mention the newest accessory to the school, the whomping willow. I do suggest students keep away from this tree; it has the tendency to be quite the violent plant and its branches swing around to hit things. That should conclude my welcome to all students, now let the feast begin."

As everyone began to pile mountains of food onto their plate, you couldn't help to think.

_My brother is dead? How did he die? Why did he die? Why can I not remember him? Why does my eye hurt so much?_

You decide not to dwell on this discovery, besides you were now needing to collect things from the Slytherin dormitories. You decide to eat the food that was prepared, looking at all the options that were offered.

* * *

Once the feast was over, you were pulled aside by a woman in green robes. If you remembered correctly, this woman with greying, brown hair was Professor McGonagall. Soon after, James absentmindedly walks through the door appearing dazed.

"I know you both must be very tired, but Y/N, some of your things have been placed in the Slytherin common room for you to collect."

You don't answer as you watch Lucius Malfoy enter the room and approach the three of you.

"Ah, Mr Malfoy. Right on time, I'm sure you are aware that you are to escort these two to collect Miss Cinnera's items."

"Of course."

With that McGonagall leaves, leaving you with dread for what could be next. Lucius swiftly turns and begins to lead the three of you down a flight of stairs. Soon after he begins to speak.

"You should be glad that you don't live with your parents anymore."

You don't respond, side by side with James as you follow Malfoy.

"If I were you, I'd hope that I'm not the one to give you your punishment."

You feel your blood turn cold as you give a glance towards James, who is now tense with his threat leaving Lucius' mouth. You continue on, ignoring the threat as you two make it to the dungeons. Lucius says a password, stepping back as the entry to the common room opens. When you enter the room you realise two things; 1) the room is elegantly decorated, and 2) it is very cold down here.

 _It feels really cold down here,_ you think, _how can they stand such coldness?_

As you and James shiver, you realise that Malfoy is unaffected. He turns, looking at the both of you. 

"If you are wondering why it's so cold, it is because the room is charmed. Anyone who isn't a Slytherin will feel cold, while those who are a Slytherin student aren't."

The blonde boy smiles coldly as you make your way to your bags with James in tow. There wasn't much to grab; just your cat and a bag. You and James turn back to the exit, walking past the prefect before being stopped.

"By the way Y/N, if I see you in the halls by yourself. I will make it my job to personally make you regret not being in Slytherin."

With that you and James finally leave, making your way to the Gryffindor common room. James appears to know where he's going, guiding you through the hallways of Hogwarts.

"Do you remember that Muggle song you were singing?" James asks.

"When?"

"When we were eating all that candy."

"Oh, that one," you say shyly.

"How does it go? Keep a watch on this heart of mine, I walk the line."

"No! That's not how it goes! It goes 'I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. I keep my eyes wide open all the time. I keep the ends out for the tie that binds. Because you're mine, I walk the line'." you laugh out.

"It was close though! Besides, I think you are walking a line."

"Why do you say that?"

"It just seems like that."

It becomes rather quiet with that, walking up a flight of stairs. James was never one to be quiet, especially when some good jokes could lighten up the darkened mood. James stops at a painting saying a password and watching the painting open up to a room. You both walk through the painting hole into the room. You look around in awe as you let the sound of a warm crackling fire fill the silence.

"Welcome to Gryffindor common room!" bellows James.

"Comfy couches, a nice warm fireplace and a few windows to look outside. But most importantly, areas to study. What do you think?"

You feel overwhelmed, your heart swelling with the knowledge that you feel at home. You are unsure why but you start to cry, James watching carefully.

"I know it's not the common room of Hufflepuff or Slytherin, but it's home to me."

"You don't understand, I'm crying because I'm happy. I've just realised that I'm away from all that Pureblood supremacy business and I'm doing something that I want. You don't know what it's been like for me. My parents controlled my life, controlling right down to the way that I spoke. And now that I am a Gryffindor, I just feel like yelling 'free at last! Oh thank Merlin all mighty, I am free at last!'" you say.

He watches you intently, as you let out a laugh.

"Are you always like this now?" he asks.

"I don't know."

He smiles brightly like the sun as he moves towards you; pulling you into a hug.

"Well, welcome to Gryffindor!"

* * *

As it got late, you and James split to your respected dorm rooms. When you got there, you were lucky to find that Lily too, shared this dormitory. As you felt your eyes become heavy, you drifted off knowing that everything will be fine.


	8. Places and Ranks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Names, friends and acquaintances. But why is it that Y/N has trouble keeping out of trouble and arguments?

Though life can be boring, it was never dull when you and the Marauders were together. Weaving yourself within the newly formed group, you found that trouble came with it. Sharing classes with them was fun at times, but after a few pranks on the students, there was always a punishment. Since Lily too shared the classes, you always had gotten an earful of the mischievous behaviour, which resulted in lectures at the girls' dorm room. While most times were spent with James and his friends, there were other people you had made friends with; most notably a girl named Alice. She was at least a few years older than you and though you were confused on her actual last name, she allowed you to refer to her as Alice Longbottom. She was very pretty herself; with her long blonde hair always tied up in a ponytail and a sporty figure. From a distance, you had learned that the reason why people called her Mrs Longbottom was because of her marriage-like relationship with the brown-haired boy named Frank.

When you had met Alice, you couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with the voices that flooded your own mind; she had seen your distressed look and followed you to the abandoned girls' bathroom, seeing you weeping on the floor. She helped you calm down and walked you to Madam Pomfrey’s ward, where she sat with you as the nurse checked over your health. That day you discovered your natural gifts for legilimency. Since you shared a dormitory with Lily, it was harder to keep that secret from her and the girls that you became acquaintances with.

Though it was common knowledge to everyone that you and Lily had study days with Severus every Wednesday and Sunday, it appeared that there was a disapproving figure in the trio. You tried your best to get along with Lily's friend, really you did, but he seemed to be more possessive in keeping her attention on him and sneered at your very existence.

You found him very agitating when he tried to contradict your ideas, saying that it was ‘too simplistic’ or ‘too scandalous’. Whenever you thought it was just you and Lily, he would come sauntering in the library and purposely wedge himself between you and her. When the study sessions were over, he would smirk prudishly as the fiery-haired girl would reprimand your sharp tongue towards Severus. You thought he was nothing but a scoundrel; purposely making you act out irrationally at his quiet, but snide comments. She would never hear his crude words about you, which would often result in an early finishing when you tried to strike him quickly.

The emerald-eyed girl was too naïve to see his vindictive nature; she always had to see the best in every person she had befriended. Which by now was almost everyone in your house. Compared to her, you kept to her and a few other people. Namely James and his friends.

You walked down corridors of the school by yourself, only because you needed the time to be alone and become less split in the middle. Lily had wanted you to spend more time with her so that the self-proclaimed Marauders wouldn’t corrupt you; James had wanted you to spend more time hanging with the boys and cause mischief. It felt nice knowing you were wanted by people; it was even better when you were welcomed with open arms by half the common room of Gryffindor. But it was difficult keeping to their expectations and sometimes you would mix up the personalities that you would keep in respective of your friends.

On your small adventures with the Marauders, Peter seemed to follow closely behind wherever you all went and as it seemed, a confirmed fact was that Peter was a bit of a follower. Within a few months, the five of you - James, Sirius, Remus, you and Peter - became respectively known as the leader, the loyal companion, the brains, the Palmtop lion, and the follower. Each seemingly fitting the description of how pranks would occur: James thinks of a prank, Sirius supports this idea, Remus makes it happen, and Peter agrees to do it. While you were in charge of using your intimidating attitude to ensure no one walked in too early. When you were given the title of Palmtop lion, it was because of your petite size and the fierce personality that randomly sprouted one morning; discovered when a tired you were bumped by a fourth year, which resulted in them meeting your fist. That day you were met with two things; detention and being referred to as the Palmtop lion. 

You didn’t mind being called the Palmtop lion of Gryffindor, but it was increasingly difficult to keep the name to its status without having the complication of _‘look how cute she looks!_ ’ being thrown at you whilst getting detention for attacking the same student for petting you. It wasn’t that they considered how cute you looked that bothered you, but for the fact that they would purposely try to undermine you after petting you.

When you sat in detention, you watched as two boys were shoved in the room by a cranky looking Mr Filch and his grumbling about why they were here to the woman at the desk. You watched as McGonagall sighed and lead the two black-haired boys into their designated seats. You watched carefully as James turned around with a wide grin and a thumb held up, mouthing that he’s here.

The hour seemed to go by eons as you sat there in your school robes and burned a hole at one side of the classroom with your glare. It was when you had finally become relaxed that loud crashing came through the hallway, followed by the greying haired lady standing abruptly with an exasperated look. You look back to James and Sirius with a frown on your face, only to be met with James smirking brightly and standing up from his seat.

“What did you do?” you say in a hushed tone.

“Getting us a few moments of talk time.”

James responds cockily, his stance showing one of sophisticated overconfidence. He walked toward your desk to place his hands on the wide expanse of wood, his grin wider when you give a huff and fold your arms in an attempt to control your growing paroxysm. You had never been so furious in his attempts to try and make you laugh, his attempt to get you to do the one thing you had refused to do.

“You know you could have gotten out of detention, right?”

“Well, I will never, ever do what they want!”

“Why not? I know you didn’t mean it, why did you?” he asks.

You look away with a pout plastered to your S/C face, you knew it was wrong to attack but you hated the way people could treat you. But being honest to yourself now; you knew the only reason you did it was because only James was allowed to pet you. He would do it whenever you were upset; especially when you needed somebody to calm you down during a thunderstorm. It was him and only him.

You looked back at him, his eyes showing genuine concern with his hazel eyes staring deep within you.

“Can you stop?! I will never apologise for anything I do. Never.”

You stood from your chair with a scrape, your hair slapping him as you turn and move further away. You now sat at the back of the stone-walled classroom, your stare directed at James with narrowed eyes and a grouchy frown. He looked at you sadly before he moved toward you again.

“Leave me alone, James.” You whisper weakly as he kneeled beside you.

“You don’t have to, but I think you’ll feel better if you did.”

His toothy grin made you feel fuzzy inside, feeling the warm sensation that you knew he could only give you. You hated when he was right, even more so when you had to apologise. You never liked to apologise, not even for bumping into someone; your mother had said that it would make you weak. And even though you hated your mother’s influence over you, it had rubbed off a lot of prejudiced behaviours. These past few months, both at your new home and at Hogwarts, the people around you tried to encourage you to do better. But luckily some things were easily forgotten, for example, your prejudice towards Muggle-borns. It didn’t take long especially after meeting Lily and living with your Aunt and Uncle.

“No.” you say stubbornly.

“Come on! You should apologize, I know you didn’t mean it.”

Before the argument can continue, Professor McGonagall walks through with Peter in tow with her and a sheepish Lupin walking behind her. A scowl on her face as she begins to lecture the people in the room.

“This is not a rewards session, James, back to your seat. You too, Y/N.”

“Also, why is it that if one of you are in trouble, the rest of you happen to get into trouble?”

The five of you stay silent as you and James find the seat you were placed in; the silence finally was broken when Remus begins to speak.

“Believe me, Professor, this may be a reoccurring situation.”

The woman shook her head to try and conceal her amused look, mumbling an _I’m getting too old for Marauders_ and gestured for the two other boys to sit. You watch as Remus and Peter sit slowly on either side of you, glaring down James and Sirius. You glance at the scarred boy and gently whispered,

“How did they rope you into this?”

“Chocolate.”

You give an understanding nod as you stare back at the stony wall. You feel a pair of eyes on you, but you don’t bother to see who it is and for the remaining time the room stays silent.


	9. Late night comfort Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once detention is finished, there are multiple things overwhelming you and James seems to have an idea on how to cheer you up.

When the five of you were released from detention, you knew that James had kept his eyes on you while walking back to the common room of Gryffindor. You knew you were in the wrong, but you couldn’t apologise to the student who had pet you jokingly; it would be out of character even for being part of that group. So, you walked ahead of your companions, keeping your arms crossed as you marched up the staircase in false vanity.

You entered the room before the boys and approached the hearth, relaxed in front of it. You watch the four boys carefully as they climb the staircase to their dorm room; when they were out of sight you released a distressed huff as you let the best of your thoughts get to you, tears seamlessly slipping down your E/C eyes.

_Is James mad at me? Am I a bad person? Why does anyone like me? Am I really as worthless as my mother said? Am I like my mother?_

The thoughts had plagued you for what felt like an eternity, the only sounds of the outside world remained to be the crackling of the fire and your silent sniffles as you sat cross-legged on the floor. You were so wrapped into your consuming thoughts that you hadn’t realised the figure moving down the stairs and towards your weakened stature.

“Are you okay?”

You hear the voice of James and look up quickly, your beady eyes observing his hazel ones. You give one more sniffle as you hastily wipe away the stranded tears and adjust where you sat. You give him a look of confliction before turning to the hearth.

“I’m fine.”

Your voice was hoarse with your constricted throat as you listened to his careful footsteps approach. You looked back and noted that he had kneeled beside you, intently watching you with framed eyes. He gave out a slow, steady breath as he uttered,

“No, I don’t hate you. I’m not even mad at you.”

It was like he had read your mind moments before and in anguish, you gave a pitiful laugh before you respond to his choice of words.

“You should, I’m a monster. I can’t even control my anger.”

You looked at him in plead for consolidation; a reason to leave him be and spend lonely moments in the knowledge that no one will be there. But it never came; he sat properly now, a small smile gracing his lips as he watched the fire. The seconds become slower as he looked at you, seemingly creating an effect that not even you could explain. The only explanation was the small shift within your ribcage.

You watched in utter fascination in the boy who had not spoken, nor did he bother to fill the silent room with his voice. But deep down you knew that he was filling that small space within you, the one that had seemed forgotten. It was as if a part of your own past that was forgotten and you could not figure out what it was. Within moments his features twisted into one of deep thought as if contemplating of telling you something; a secret of some sorts. When he began to speak you paid him to mind as you watched the blazing fire of red and yellow.

“Do you remember how we met?”

It was a genuine question of curiosity, which had caused you to stop your examination of the twisting fire and look at him. You really tried to think of how both of you really met, but alas, it never came. The memory seemed to be blurred with nothing but rushed murmurs, but you were only five at the time.

“Not really, it’s kind of a foggy memory.”

The boy in glasses observed your features before he looked back at the fire; his features became tense as he released a breath of air.

“How’s your eye?” he asked.

You are bewildered by the question; mainly because you hadn’t said anything about your eye’s sensitive state. As if on cue, your right eye began to have a sharp pain sprout spontaneously which triggered your hand to nurse it.

“How did you know? I never said anything.” You whispered.

He shrugged and pulled a blanket from his side that you had missed and placed it around the both of you. The warmth engulfed you as James gently placed an arm around your shoulder, like a comforting hug to ease you to sleep.

“I want to know. How did you know?” you pushed.

“If I told you, would you believe me?”

You nod your head as a sign of agreement, waiting eagerly for his response. He sighs before he begins to speak.

“When we were younger…” he paused and looked away.

“We had met when my parents came home one night after having dinner with your parents. You were with them.”

You couldn’t see how that had anything to do with your eye; if anything, that statement had baffled you further in why he knew about your eye. Before you could tell him of your thoughts on how that hadn’t answered your question, he began to speak again.

“At first I didn’t know why my mother was as frantic as she was, but then I saw your eye.”

“What about my eye?” you asked in defence, your hand removed from the eye.

“Well at first it was badly bruised or something. But when I got close enough…”

He froze, his stature changing immediately as he removed his arm and looked at you. You view his features showing a brooding frown matching his hazel eyes. You began to feel impatient at his beating around the bush and glared at him strictly to continue.

“You were bleeding. My mother was going on about how your parents had allowed you to stab yourself in the eye as retaliation for being forced to go to bed early.” He said slowly.

He avoids your face as your mouth is agape at him, feeling your blood run cold and weaken at the thought that you had willingly stabbed yourself in the eye. You looked away with your mouth ajar, as the need to vomit overwhelmed you.

_How was it possible? I still have my eye._ You think to yourself.

As if reading your thoughts, he answered the unsaid question.

“It was like magic. Your eye just instantaneously healed like magic, all that was left was the blood. It was kind of a scary sight to behold, especially with you looking like a doll.”

You thought long and hard; trying to capture the slightest piece of the memory but to no avail. It was as if you didn’t want to remember such a gruesome part of your life; you realised that there were parts of your life that were like that. Small fractures of time that were blank in a way of protection.

“But my eye! How can an eye just heal magically without a consequence?”

James shrugged his shoulders with pursed lips and looked to the painting. The room fell silent, nothing to show for the dead conversation moments before. You watched him as he appeared to be in deep thought; the features of his face scrunched at the nose as if recalling a memory. He abruptly turned to you before he stood up mumbling _‘stay here’_ and moved back up the stairs. You sat in silence as you followed his command and waited patiently for his return. A few moments later he returned giddily with a soft-looking cloak in hand, and a mischievous look plastered on his features.

His tousled hair was messier than before as he galloped to your side and held out his pale hand. You looked at him sceptically as you slowly reached out your own S/C hand, your eyes less puffy than before. When you finally reached his hand and grabbed a hold of it, you could feel the warmth radiate off it as he gave you a reassuring smile. He pulled you up swiftly and started to lead you out of the portrait hole, you struggled against his hold muttering that _we’ll get caught_.

You sensed that he had rolled his eyes before he responded to your protests.

“No, we won’t, this cloak has special properties.” He said matter-of-factly.

You scoffed at his response but still followed closely as he threw the cloak around the both of you. It isn’t until the two of you walked past a mirror that you saw that you were invisible. Again. You gasped and looked at him, tugging on his shirt before you spoke.

“James! I’ve gone invisible, you have too!”

James didn’t respond as he leads the two of you down a hallway. You noticed where he had led you both and gasped, the feeling of your stomach rumble at the thought of food. But you couldn’t stop the ambience from feeling foreboding.

“James, you know we’re not allowed to be in the kitchens.” You recited.

He ignored you again and walked in, taking off the cloak in the large room and smiled at the house-elves. They seemed to be pleased with the visit as they excitedly murmured about having guests and moved to their stations. An elf moved toward the both of you and began to speak eagerly.

“Welcome, welcome children! What can we get you tonight? Candy? Dessert? Hot chocolate?” The elf pressed; their excitement bubbled over with large eyes sparkling.

The elf continued to list foods and drinks before it froze and turned toward you.

“You are new! What’re your preferences? Do you like cake? Or home-made butterbeer? Or treacle tart like little James?”

You looked at James in shock, unable to comprehend how he could do this before and get away with it. James looked back at you with a sheepish smile and shrugged. Finally, the boy spoke softly,

“Good evening, Specks. Do you reckon we could get a hot chocolate each and maybe a lovely snack?”

Specks looked at James with bright eyes as she began to tell the others what to do. You didn’t know what you would eat as James had only said snacks, not specifying what kind. You stood there shyly as James waved at some of the elves that passed by, them returning it happily before getting back to their task.

When Specks returned, she had returned with two cups and a basket in hand with a proud smile plastered on her pale face. She eagerly handed the items over to the both of you and walked away quickly.

“Thank you, Specks!” You and James said in unison.

You followed James out, handing you the basket and placed the cloak around the both of you. You travelled the hallways, weaving through the teachers that you passed easily and finally came to a holt at a wall. You watched James, sceptic at his choice of scenery for a nice picnic. You looked at his face as it contorted in thought, his eyes furrowed, and lips pursed.

You looked back at the wall and gasped at the door that had magically appeared.


	10. Late night comfort: Part 2.

When you had come out of shock you took a second to take into mind of the detailed double doors; noting the tiny details that you could see. On the second examination, before James opened the door, you could guess that the door would lead to the room of requirement. It was something you had learned of while learning about your relation to the founders of Hogwarts; the tedious lesson reminding you of how little you had a childhood.

Yet again, so did a lot of the pureblood families; you remembered how bright and calming Andromeda was when you met her. You were young but she was full of mischief that was hushed even in her younger years; Sirius was like that as well. Though it seemed that you were alone, you could always remember that you weren’t the only one to feel it.

James had stood before you, his brown eyes watched your wettened cheeks as you realised that you had begun to cry again. To you it was a reaction with a burning catalyst, the boy glanced at the features of the room; he grimaced as if to show a hint of regret for bringing you here now. You looked past him with a solemn look. The room was small, blankets lazily tossed around to appear more comfortable, the warming fire radiating on the walls to create an amber hue.

The basket filled with goods now placed gently on a flat spot as you wandered to the centre. You had learned about the fabled room, giving you what you needed when you thought hard about it. You made your way to the centre of the room as you gently sniffled, your eyes trained the detailed walls of the room. The walls were a peculiar silver colour perfectly balanced with golden vines that stretched and twisted in the expanse of walls surrounding you and James.

Your sniffles resonated in the room louder, tears slowly sliding down your face as the weight on your shoulders lift. You looked towards the hearth where the warming fire seemed to welcome you to the room, you took into account the pleasing crackle of the noisy fire within it and can’t help yourself to feel deeply grounded – despite the tears that continued to pour down your S/C cheeks.

You heard James give out a huff before he spoke.

“I know it’s not a palace, but I thought it was humble enough to make you feel better.”

You let out a featherlike chuckle as you turned around to face him, slightly slouched over before you looked to his face. You give him a small smile as you sat down on some blankets that were sporting a light grey colour scheme.

“No, no it’s perfect.”

You watch as James grabbed the basket of treats and take a seat beside you. He slid his boxed shaped glasses up the bridge of his nose and begins to unpack. As you watched him unpack, you noticed his face twisted into a slight scowl as if reprimanding himself. You are quick to kneel beside him and helped unpack as the moment passed in silence.

Now sat side by side you feel the unspoken words being fluttered between the both of you – the slight sound of sipping the only that echoed in the room. You could feel the sudden shift in atmosphere as James turned to face you, his eyes gleamed with the ghosts of your lost past and you felt the warmth drain from your chest. He stayed silent as his flushed cheeks seemed to glow in the amber light and his glasses slightly reflected some of you and the fire. You looked at his slight freckles that you had grown to memorise in your countless nights of restlessness. With that single thought, you could feel your heart boil over as it seemed to become a flame of its own, swelling with untold desires just beginning to fruit.

He frowned slightly, a discrepancy in his appearance that you never enjoyed seeing. He opened his mouth slightly ajar as he stuttered out incoherent sentences – words barely impossible to make out as you listened to the crackling fire battling for dominance. James released an exasperated sigh as he looked up and leaned back on his hands. The slight tan that he had gotten over his vacations prominent in the illuminating light.

“I know you don’t want to apologise but can’t you do it for me?”

“Again? I thought we went over this James; I’m not going to apologise. Period.”

This time your voice sounded weak and fragile; your slight feeling of disappointing those who mattered most creeping in. James only smiled bitterly before he stood, slightly leaned more to the right before the boy made his to the hearth. You immediately are taken with his lazy stance and feel compelled to listen closely. He doesn’t turn to face you. The room is stuffed with James unyielding will and your pride – it swirled in the room as you stared at the boy with framed hazel eyes with your e/c eyes. Though he had yet to speak the silence created spoke a million truths; dozens of words; billions of decisions. And all of it was withheld from you.

You deemed the energy between you, James and the silence as the reversed tarot card of Judgement – the card that was drawn one night a Lily’s. It reminded you of this moment; the impoverished choice to refuse an apology to a well-deserved recipient. It twisted your stomach in irreversible knots as you knew James was right but refused defeat in a losing battle. You watched James as he sighed slowly and turned to face you.

“Fine.”

The word seemed foreign to your tongue as it outwardly tumbled from your lips. The simple word seemed to have surprised the raven-haired boy as his mouth hangs agape and words fail to leave. He shook his head slightly before he responded to your sudden agreeance.

“What? Really? I just prepared a monologue.” He sighed.

You shrugged and stood up, dusting your skirt before walking towards him.

“I don’t want to upset you, so, if it makes you feel better, I will apologise.”

With that, you and James finished the last of the late-night snacks and moved back to the Gryffindor dorms. Both unknowingly gaining something out of the compromise.


End file.
